Thursday, August 30, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
So, I've had one of the most amazing weekends in many years so far.
I did try extremely hard not to spend half of the weekend figuring out what's happening in the other half. I have a lot of pre programmed responses to many events that I'm trying to reprogram. It's fairly difficult not to fall back into old habits, old worries, old concerns, and old fears.
However, I cannot repeat the same responses to stimuli and expect a different result.
What I am referring to here is that I met someone, well really they met me because they found something interesting enough to reach out which I appreciate greatly.
This person in bodies everything that I could ask for if I made a wish list of my ideal companion. At least for what I've seen so far.
I'm trying to reconcile the rush of a new potential relationship and also trying to discern what is the anxiety of feelings is fear to allow myself the possibility to open up. We actually talked openly about this this weekend and I believe she said she goes through the same thing.
I never expected something like this would fall into my lap so quickly and I would have to deal with it so suddenly.
I am open to this, this is what I've been wanting for a long time, and this is something that I will try very hard not to screw up.
I'm not really sure how to end this blog entry, I've been trying to think what to write since Friday night. I guess all that I can say in closing is I asked for this, I wanted this, and I intend to make the most of it.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Have any of the memberships equaled happiness or success?
Answer: They're not suppsed to.
Any organization you join is for one purpose: To meet like minded people.
Any lessons or structure they have in place for you to improve yourself is exactly that, for YOU to improve YOURSELF.
You can teach a man to fish, but you can't make him get his ass off the couch. Nobody can make you do anything. You always have 51% of the vote.
You don't even have to eat or go to work, those are choices, however you do need to accept the end results of those choices.
People are perfectly happy with doing nothing.
Decide for yourself if you are in something for yourself or the sake of the organization. If it's the latter, you need to realize what is important to you.
It's nobody's decision but your own if you are given a path to success (that has worked for one or many people) and choose to follow it or choose to blaze your own trail.
I've seen my own trail for ages and let people tell me I am wrong. How can I be wrong about what I choose that is right for me? I know the consequences of my actions and decisions as much as the people that are telling me I am wrong.
So whether I am singing to the heavens or damming someone to the pits of their own endless hell, I'm going to strive to blaze my own path, and for that, I am right.
If I am dressing in a way that makes me feel happy, then understand I'm doing it so that I feel happy.
If you don't agree with me freeing my inner voice and going my own way, then you need to look within yourself and ask why you are afraid of being yourself.
I understand, I've been there, and am trying to walk away.
Make Sushi (and not make anyone sick)
Learn to play the piano
Learn how to ballroom dance
Learn how to properly use my expensive Paul Chen Shinto katana
So, why haven't I done any of these things? It's not a lack of resources, it's the fact that starting something new like that makes me hesitant due to shyness and the strangeness of starting something new.
Also, whenever I have gotten involved in new social groups, I end up meeting someone that seems interested, most of the time the wrong person, having to end the relationship early, and then going back around that group being awkward.
I think if I begin these classes (new adventures) I need to place a 30 day moratorium on dating anyone from that venture. That way I have time to establish myself and my interest.
This morning I received a fall from our tech at the office. Nearly frantic, I had him stop and tell me what was going on. I told him to relax and it was out of his hands now.
I was calm, didn't get excited at all and tried calling one of my techs, no answer.
So I finished getting ready and made a remote connection to the site. All seemed well but some critical tools would not run.
I called the customer, rebooted the server, and drove to the office.
When I arrived at the office I had the customer reboot their computer and they were back in business. Less than and hour from first call from the customer to resolution.
I remoted in again and found a critical setting incorrect and fixed it.
At no time did I freak out or get nervous.
I am very proud of myself for this morning's emergency.
Now, if I could just find that blonde I was talking to in my dream before the alarm rudely interrupted me.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
I thought I'd left a lot of stuff behind in high school but I've come to realize that the more things change the more they stay the same.
I went shopping for a new suit tonight to wear on my vacation trip to Seattle. It took a lot of willpower for me to find one that I like and that allows me to express myself and not worry about what some of my friends would say about it.
I really doubt any of my friends that I will see on my vacation will say anything about it because they will know that I am expressing my true personality. The people that would say something about it and tease me about it are people locally that I've considered friends.
Why do I come to this belief? Because it happened many times before. I personally believe that a friend is someone that is supportive, allows you to express yourself, support you while you are trying to be a better person, and that doesn't make fun of you for the way you look the way you act the way you dress or the way you sound.
At my counselor today I realized that the preferences of my father and my grandfather still heavily drive me today.
Whenever I wanted to have fun and enjoy myself, or if I made the smallest mistake, my father and then later my grandfather would chastise me. If it had not been for my grandmother telling my grandfather to leave me alone whenever I would be on the computer I really doubt that I would have the interest, knowlege, or career that I have today.
I like to dress so that I stand out not all in black conformity stand out but just stand out and make a statement that this is me this is my personality. I enjoy showing off my tattoos because they are things that I'm proud of they are things that make me different and unique. All of these things externally allow me to show off my internal personality.
this is also why do not agree with personality typing. You are able to see whatever personality I am comfortable showing. You don't get to see the personality that's hiding because it's afraid of being made fun of. You don't see the personality that hiding because it's afraid it will become an outcast. You don't get to see the me that I love being but I want you to accept me so I bury it until I don't get to see that me either.
This is one of the reasons I decided to start this blog. If someone makes a rude comment I'll delete it and just leave it at that. This is my blog, this is my journal, more over this is my journey. If you have known me for years and you cannot support what is that I'm doing to better myself, then you might need to consider whether not you have been a part of the problem but I am now attempting to solve.
As I was leaving today my counselor talk to me about the importance of sincerity and being sincere. Sincere not only 2 other people but also to myself about how I truly am. And to work to break free of the illusion that I've cloaked myself in.
Sincerity is the lesson to the story I posted about the shooting of red eagle.
I had a dream this morning that I had this shotgun because somebody was coming around my house. Didn't want other people showed up it ended up being a sawed off shotgun and I walked around the side of the house and what I saw was a huge moose. It was white with a little grey huge antlers somebody was there with me but I don't know who it was the moose charge me so I shot at it but the gun only puffed smoke. The moose didn't seem to notice the gun but it slowrd down and stopped when it got to me and I reached out and I was able to pet it and it was actually nuzzling me. Then its mate walked up out of nowhere beside it and I was also able to pet it. I glanced to the person standing next to me and I said "I wonder if this could be a vision?" Then it faded away to my alarm going off.
I was using Facebook for this, but it has become apparent that social media isn't the right forum for this type of writing.
My Facebook profile will now be used only for social networking, events, etc. and not for critical things in my private life.
So, I've been using the Nightshade moniker for over a decade now, but what's this "Red Eagle" business about?
The name Red Eagle came to me one night when learning about the Sacred Pipe. In fact, I had a vision of an old Indian man holding a pipe. Soon after, I was reading a book on the care and use of the Sacred Pipe and there was an Indian named Red Eagle that was a pipe carrier. They looked surprisingly similar.
I researched the name Red Eagle and came upon a legend that warns of people disguising themselves as something else. It took me a few years to realize that I have been hiding out as someone else for social acceptance and that I needed to strip off my false skin (so to speak) and be myself.
The story reminds us that social acceptance is a farce, and our true selves are what needs to be accepted.
At least that's my take on the story.
For your reading enjoyment, the Shooting of Red Eagle:
Shooting of the Red Eagle
So I will attempt to maintain this blog and if you have a comment to make, make it. If not, then just read or don't. This is for me, and others that care about me.