Monday, December 31, 2012

It Opens At the Close

So the calendar year has run its course and time has come to start a new calendar. Another turning of the wheel.

I have done many things I am not proud of this year.

At this time, I ask for forgiveness from those I have wronged. Through comments made in jest that one may have found hurtful, failed relationships where I was at least 50% at fault, and times where I may have hurt someone unknowingly but they still remember whole I have forgotten, I ask for forgiveness in all these.

I had to put 5 people out of work this year. (I'm not sure where the 7 count came from that I posted on Facebook. Perhaps I cost two others their jobs other places I did not know about.) the choice was mine to allow them to pass on through to save the jobs of 6 others. the responsibility to the company was mine to attempt to deny them unemployment benefits.

More than anything, I ask for forgiveness from myself. To allow the past to rest and lead the way into the present.

This past year I have gained many friendships and had peaceful family holiday dinners for the first time in ages.

I laid to rest two friends, there may have been more so please forgive me if I didn't recall anyone close passing before October. May they find their peace in whatever comes next, even if that is oblivion.

For years, my focus was being loud and in charge. Be prominent and popular, heavy handed and solid. I put my foot down and it didn't move.

Tonight, I found the value in being but a whisper. In being invisible, one can accomplish all their goals without obstruction since there is nothing there for people to fight against.

Last night I cleared out a towering façade from inside myself. What was left was nothing but light.

The wind floats through the trees and around the mountains as a gentle breeze. Ad a storm gale, it meets opposition and is churned into chaos and destruction.

Some of my friends that are tied to self esteem and worshiping the ego may chastise this, but when the hammers fall in life, if there is nothing to hit, then who is the greater?

I read a few years back that the problem with Eastern thought in the Western World is that most Westerners try to understand Eastern philosophy from a Western perspective. Here in the West, we take pride in the achievements of work, over there, they take pride in the work itself. We see power, money, and strength as signs of superiority. (Just look at the sports areas. Multi million dollar contracts for someone to carry a pigskin ball while there are homeless starving in the streets outside the stadium.)

The current priorities of Western man are all screwed up. We view life as a board game. Who has the best pieces, the most money, the biggest house.

Why does someone need millions of dollars? If I won a million dollars (after taxes) I would buy a modest home in a modest neighborhood and decide what I would do for the purpose of enjoying life. I could work a job just for fun, donate my time, spend days working in a garden or learning about things I have always wanted to study. I would not need a flashy car or diamond rings or a trophy wife. (Ok, maybe a small trophy.) :D

Anyhow, I digress. I know I can slightly modify my life now and accomplish many of these things. I just have to decide what my goals my be and follow them.

The deciding is the hardest part in an unlimited universe.

Happy New Wheel Turning everyone.

One final thing... Happy Birthday to my departed Brother that came to me this morning upon waking and filled my head with memories of our time together only for me to recall a bit later that today was his birthday.
Hello again, my old friend.

This is actually monumental since in 2003 when he passed, I sealed off an area of my psychic abilities. This was made firm that November when my Grandmother passed and I went into a 3 year depression. The fact that he was able to come to me this morning brings great joy to my heart!

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Going in search of an old friend.

Tonight I shall go on a dream journey to awaken an old friend of mine.

As yourself, who were your childhood heroes? To whom did you cling to in times of trouble, and who did you play with in times of joy? Was it a Ninja Turtle? A colorful pony? A bear with a symbol on its tummy? A transforming robot? Perhaps a small blue guy that lived in a mushroom? Or perhaps, it all started with a mouse.

When did you "leave behind childish things" to embrace something new like driving, dating, sex, work, all the "trappings of the real/adult life"?
Now, when did you feel the emptiness that has lead you to the sadness that peaks forth into your daily life? The idle time when you would have played with your friends in younger years?

Perhaps there is an old friend waiting there for you too? There is a reason all of these things from our childhoods are now making a comeback. It is the timeless factor and that the men and women in charge feel a longing to play with their old friends again. The wheel has spun around so our generation can bring the dreams to the present generation.

How can it be done? you ask... Simply sit still, breathe, and journey back in your mind to your playtime with your friend. Talk to them the way you did at that age. Feel no shame for acting foolish, for that shame is what has banished these friends to the netherworld, the 'land of forgotten toys.' Play with them once again and simply invite them to play with you in this time.

Honor them by finding their likeness in a new or used toy and keep it handy. Perhaps on your desk, in the kitchen, etc. If you have children and they see the toy, allow them to play with it and even more important, tell them of all your adventures with this friend when you were their age.

Come out, come out, wherever you are... it's time to play again.

(Forgive mistypings, it's hard to type through the tears of joy and remembrance.)

My old friend:

A Conversation With Master Po

*Note* I realize that Master Po is a fictional character, but can we not find these characters as traits within ourselves?

I was standing in the shower thinking about my various gifts in the technology field. My skills and gut instinct that lead me to finding simple solutions on a guess that have confounded other's knowledge.

I thought to myself: "I am glad to have these gifts, but is there not more that I may impart? Like teaching the spiritual matters on my path in that way?"

Then I heard the voice: (Master Po) "Of what would you teach?"
Me: "The path that I follow and the lessons I have learned."
Master Po: "Why do you desire to teach it?"
Me: "To help others find peace and happiness."
Master Po: "Has what you desire to teach brought you peace and happiness?"
Me (after thinking): "No, it has not."
Master Po: "One should first strive to find his own path to peace and happiness before trying to teach it to others."
Me: "True"

I know this was just an internal monologue, but it hit me as quite profound.

The thoughts that preceded this internal exchange were of my troubles with oracles such as pendulums and the new fad of table tipping. I don't know enough of table tipping to comment, so I shall reserve judgment on that and not speak ill of it since I have not experienced it directly.

On pendulums, I was thinking of where I might find a stationary stand to assist in divination. Whenever someone uses a pendulum and claims to be using it for divining, I watch both the pendulum and their hand and fingers. If the hand and/or fingers sway, it's a good indication that the holder has influenced the swing. Most pendulums are not heavy enough to move the hand as it swings. It is tough for me when I see this happening with people I trust. when I do readings or healings for others with a pendulum, I tell my guests to make not that my hand and fingers never move, adding validity to the reading.

Yes, I look for this in an attempt to not be fooled or led / influenced unduly. Yes, this does point to trust issues. It is easy enough for one to just accept that all people will tell the truth, and to trust first until there is cause to not trust. However, when one has become jaded to this from being surrounded by people one should be able to trust, friends, relatives, mentors, that have been exposed to have the same fallacies as liars and thieves, it causes undesirable changes like the hardening of the heart.

Does that mean I have kept bad company in the past? Yes, mostly. However, I have tried to be among like minded people, without having their compulsion for deceit, and thus it has made me an outcast from even society's outcasts.

I have found some kind, like minded souls that can be trusted on my journey, and I treasure them.

I need to shake off everyone's expectations of me and seek out happiness. I believe that was one of the reasons I got my forearm tattoo. It has been complimented on by everyone I have met, even our company president. A symbolic movement to try to assure me that following my heart will not lead me astray.

One thing I noticed that I have never realized before...

There is another "Master" Po that teaches us in the present to embrace who we are, and thus this is the way to ourselves, the inner Dragon Warrior.


Friday, December 28, 2012

Only the Good Die Young

Yes, yes, when you realize who this is about, you'll say the title isn't appropriate since he loved looking like an incarnation of evil.

There was an old joke between him and I that he was "the good twin" since back when he was interested in mysticism, he mainly stuck to practices involving Archangels and gnosticism, whereas I was a bit more liberal in my studies and practices.

Much respect in honor of my old friend, Jonathan Morris. He was known by many names depending on where you met him. DJLotek, doombuggy, etc.

Jon passed away on Christmas Eve. It is said he passed in his sleep.

Everyone I've told (or almost everyone)  has asked "how did he die?" I'll take a page from The Last Samurai and pose the question to "ask me how he lived."

Some of my best memories of Jon:

He could always tell a good, plausible story and you were generally laughing so hard at the end due to the imagery presented that you didn't care to question.

My favorite story he used to tell was of a time when he had gotten in from clubbing in the wee hours of the morning and went right to bed without washing off the face paint he had worn to the club. He had slept only a few hours until he heard a man's voice coming from the living room. He lived with his grandmother and his grandfather had passed some years before. Thinking something was wrong he came storming out of the back room, black spiky hair, messed up white facepaint, in only his boxers. His grandmother had worked for ORU for years at this point. As the story goes, Jon comes storming out into the living room to encounter Oral Roberts wearing an expression like Satan himself had just appeared in the room. Jon concludes the story by saying Oral Roberts left the house soon after he returned to bed and was never seen there again.

We would go to Casa Bonita. I would eat 2 plates of food, Jon would eat generally 4. The waitresses never complained, just stared in shock. Jon also loved Pancho's Mexican food. The people at Pancho's hated him though since he would continually send them back for more food. You don't bring a 6'9" 300+ lb guy one single taco when he says he wants more. :-)

Many people didn't see him emotional (other than enraged while finding themselves tossed out of a club Jon was bouncing at.) When his grandmother passed, it was plain to see how large his heart really was.

I loved messing with him. It's not often you can tease a giant and get away with it. But he did teach me that no matter the stature, a person is a person. People would ask him "hey, do you play basketball?" He would look down at them and say "no, do you play miniature golf?" Generally people wouldn't get it.

When we were roomates, one time I warned him that I would play 'Night on Bald Mountain' whenever I needed to get my mind in a space to do powerful rituals. Generally ones to induce change. Well, one night I came home and turned on the stereo in the bedroom. I had intended on listening to the Beastie Boys, but obviously I had the wrong tape in the deck. So, yup, 'Night on Bald Mountain' came blaring out of the stereo. Then from the living room I heard this roar of 'OH SHIT!" then things being knocked over, the door slamming, and his car screeching away. I laughed my ass off. It helped bring about change for sure, the rest of the night I was in the best mood.

During this time we found a baby kitten in the parking lot of the apartment and Jon took him in. For some reason, I was never allergic to this kitten and it was fun to have around. To see Jon laying on his bed listening to music with this tiny puffball perched on his shoulder was something special.

Then he met Jennifer and he was hooked. I couldn't get him to shut up about her to focus on anything else. The giant was in love and stayed that way until the end. :) We could all be so lucky.

So, in closing, Jon was a guy who loved life despite all his pain from his size and loved to help people. He was gruff at times, but always had the best of intentions.

I'd pour beer on the curb for my fallen homie, but due to his size, only a keg would be fitting and I can't lift that much.

(I know I've left out a lot of good memories, as they come to me, I'll update this.)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Help someone in need directly if you can

I don't know who this is for, and that doesn't really matter. A friend is trying to help out a friend so any bit that you can donate will help out. You may even directly help save someone's life.

I know I have a bunch of readers, so please try to donate something if you've enjoyed my blog even a little. The money doesn't go to me, it goes to a great cause.


What this is all about...
A very dear friend of mine needs some help. In her own words:

"I know this is a shot in the dark but I thought I'd put it out there. As may of you are well aware I've been struggling with alcoholism for quite some time. Sometimes better than others; lately not so much. Things have come to a head and I'm ready to get some serious help.

I've been accepted into a long term recovery program that I should be at from 6 months to a year or more. It's an excellent facility where residents go through intensive treatment and also find jobs to pay their rent during their stay. The only problem is they require $650 up front, to pay for the first month's rent and deposit to cover while residents find jobs in the area."

She's asked her friends to contribute anything they can. Being of limited means myself, I thought the best way I could help would be to get her message to as many of my friends as is possible. I don't usually like asking people for money, even on behalf of a good cause, but this is genuinely personal to me. If there's anything you can contribute, even just a dollar or two, it would help.

I've set a very short deadline on this so that I can get whatever I'm able to raise to her as quickly as possible. 100% of all funds raised will be going directly to her. I know it may be asking a lot, but please, donate if you can, and help spread the word.

Thank you,


Sunday, November 4, 2012

It's a sad, sad situation And it's getting more and more absurd

This entry is both an apology to my friends and to myself.

I'm not sure why I am so hard on myself.

No one ever asked me to be any more than I am, I just have that expectation of myself.

Nobody says I should be this way or that way, I look at people I admire and want to emulate the best parts of them.

"know thyself" "be yourself" these phrases are tough for me to embody. I have taken on so many traits of others, cultural items, speech, mannerisms, etc. that stripping that all away to just see who and what I am is a difficult thing. I find only emptiness.

This is probably partly because I haven't found a lot of joy in life.

Tonight I went through a drive through for dinner on a hunch and made the gal at the window laugh. She smiled and stumbled over her words after that and I could see in her eyes that I made her day. It looked like she had a ring of some sort on her left hand, and I respect boundaries, so I didn't inquire or give my number.  It was also a bit of an experiment in me being genuinely open and friendly where work wasn't involved. (Yes, I know it's a stretch to imagine that I am shy but I'm a bit of a different person through written mediums than in person. You may have noticed this if you see me in a club. I'm usually talking to one or two friends and just smile at people I don't know really well.)

Anyhow, back to the apologies to myself.

Nobody asked me to live a monastic existence. I am overly judgmental of myself in that respect.

I have a gift coming my way when it is finished that I both fear and respect. I have ripped myself apart for years knowing it was coming and trying to live up to some expectation that was only set by myself and never asked for me to reach. If I wasn't supposed to have it, it wouldn't be in production. I'm not going to speak too much on this, all will be revealed if it should be in time.

I do have an apology for my friends. I'm genuinely sorry for any sarcastic posts that made you feel bad about yourself, even for an instant. I haven't been the best person at times but I can be a nicer person.

I'm sure there is more to say, but if you have gone back and read my journal entries here over the past week, I'm sure you can see the hell I just put myself through.

The only things I can promise are to try to be nicer to myself, and to try to not be afraid of people and get out and be nice and friendly to earn more friendships.

I don't know what the future holds, but I guess the only thing I can do is just experience one day to the next and do it with a free spirit and open soul.

If not, then I might as well not use this gift of life.

And no, none of this has anything to do with a woman or broken heart.

This song is my message to myself, what do I have to do to make you love me again like I deserve?

I haven't shown my soul much love lately.

Wow, that was just, well, hmm

This blog is good for a few things. One of which must be making myself sound insane. I guess that might be useful in the future if I ever need to be committed for any reason.

I can't believe I actually have the outlook some times that removing things I enjoy from my life is actually a beneficial thing. We only go around once and so I see no reason why sometimes I think abstaining from things is an answer to happiness.

I am who I am, I can't deny myself that.

Guess I better start having fun and acting like it or I shall die old and alone as I fear.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Every time I thought I'd got it madeIt seemed the taste was not so sweet

How my day went:

Woke up
Got a text from my healer friend cautioning me to rest today since I still felt I got run over.

At this point what I should have done was lay around, read, watch movies, run out for something halfway healthy or make something at home, perhaps picked up a few more movies and just relaxed.

(Author's note, I'm a dumbass sometimes)

What I actually did.

Showered and got dressed
went to PetsMart to look at adoptadogs
got real hungry but instead of going to eat when I needed when I was by a Panera Bread....
went downtown to look at more adoptadogs
got a big pizza and brought it home

Watched 2.5 Adam Sandler movies and one not Adam Sandler
Took a nap during one of them
Ate last night's leftovers (baked potato, cheese fries, Caesar salad)
Watched a bit more of a movie
got in car, went to casino

Yes, now at this point, you may be asking yourself "where the hell did this come from" well, I was asking myself that too...

Spent 2 hours in the casino and threw away an undisclosed sum. Never going to that casino again, if I do, it won't be to play.
Drove home thinking about what I had done all day and the money I lost, not in a negative way, just in a factual way.

Finished half a movie, finished off the last two slices of the 20" pizza I bought and decided to type this up.

So, a few changes I am making in light of today and my new chance at life I have been given over these past few days.

No more casino gambling. (I hardly ever go, but I could have bought food for meals for a week or so on what I put in to play and smell like smoke.)

No more dining out until I eat the food I have at the house. (Yes, that includes the slab of bacon and bag of chicken tenders I got from the Blue and Gold fund raiser. BLT's are good eatin!) *Note that this doesn't apply to lunch, I have to get out of the shop or I'll go nuts.*

Ok, go further nuts.

No more crap food. No more Sonic, Arby's, etc. I can make better at home for less. (goes along with the no dining out rule. The exception to that rule being if I go out to eat with friends on those rare occasions.)

Minimal red meat. I'm not really used to eating a lot of it, so this shouldn't be a problem.

Minimal carbs. Now this will be a problem. However, thin crust pizza instead of regular, whole grain bread or tortillas instead of big hunks of bread, salads at Lenny's instead of the same thing on a bun. This also applies to greasy foods.

Sushi, ok, fuck that, I'm not cutting out sushi. Cutting back a bit on the amount I eat since I take it from being a healthy meal to being a gorge worse than me at a Chinese buffet. (Just thank god Casa Bonita isn't still open, I could totally kill off a mess of those cheese enchiladas and sopapillas.)

Alcohol: No more. I'm done with it. Too many headaches and pains with all the drinking leading up to Halloween. I may have one glass of wine at Thanksgiving if my parents even have Thanksgiving at their house this year, but aside from that, I'm done with alcohol.

Sex... yup, tried going cold turkey before (wait, that's a terrible visual, sex and cold turkey... but you know there's a website somewhere...sigh, I digress) Anyhow... I'm tired of disrespecting myself and having sex too soon with someone or just having a relationship (or one night stand) solely based on sex. So, new rule, that's going to be my Christmas present to myself (if I can find a partner, even if I have to go back to my "always down for it" list.) Hopefully I'll be in a relationship with someone I love, trust, and respect by then. If not, then at least I will have been true to myself.

So, 52 days without sex. I know some of you readers are thinking "wow, so what, I go six months or more without sex" well, I usually don't. so however that makes me look, then I'm sorry. We all have needs and desires, I just don't mind filling those needs and desires. Yup, take that visual.

Ah, also, if you subscribe to this blog, you get email updates. Nobody has done so thus far, but that's how it works.

Reality check:

Do I really think I can accomplish all that? Well, tomorrow will be day 1. I may fail at some of it right out of the gate. If I falter, then I'll start back up again. That's the only way it can happen.

Yes, I'm really keeping my FaceBook account deleted. So, if there's anything going on, then please sent me an email for events in the Tulsa area.

Things I'd like to try:

Piano lessons
Dance lessons
Making my own soup
Being happy all day, just for one day (may mean taking the day off)
Turning my phone off for an entire day
Driving to the mountains in Eastern Oklahoma
Speed dating (just once, you never know)

Ok, that's long enough for this blog. I know I've gotten some unexpected readers and some voices from the past saying hi unexpectedly. It's all welcome. Feel free to share my blog on your social networking pages.  Who knows, it might help someone.

I fear I may have to start writing again. I could always write about my last year of the journey through hell. Don't want to look at it yet though. I think I'm in too fragile of a state presently to reflect back. I'm afraid I will pull too much into the present.

You can roll your own waaaaay

Happy 35th birthday to Robert "Hot Wheels" Leuthold

I don't have a Facebook profile anymore so can't send a message but a little wolf told me it was your birthday.

Friday, November 2, 2012

*insert song title here*

Ok, so I'm blogging on my phone and there's no easy way for all the fancy cut and paste.

First off, sorry to all my readers that now have to check under their beds each time they get up tonight due to the animated gif on the last post :)

So, I had a "energy balancing" performed tonight after work by a friend and healer. She said I was so closed off from the neck down it took a lot just to set me "right" again. She warned for me to take it easy and drink lots of water.

She said I had a lot of emotional baggage. She had no idea how much and I didn't tell her is the one year anniversary of the final breakup with Erica.

It also meant it was a year ago that I learned she would take the girls that called me "daddy" out of my life.

It was a sad day, but I understood. Ends up, she had been talking to her ex boyfriend again and he had been filling her head full of doubts.

My main complaint was the timing. I had just come back from Nawlins. It would have been better to break up before since I could have really got my party on down there. Ah well, another time.

I am feeling better today, but due to this "energy balancing" it feels also like someone kicked my ass. Pain all over in my joints like I've been totally worked over. I have been pretty closed off for some time now.

So, on that note, I'm going to sleep.

I have been thinking about adopting a dog or two (I'm gone all day, it needs a partner in crime.) So I'll be checking out the animal rescue foundation's potential pets tomorrow.

To part, a picture of me and my pal Henri...

Oh I've finally decided my future lies Beyond the yellow brick road

Worst thing about having no social networking... no place to randomly post funny shit.

Oh, wait.

You're welcome.

I'll title this image "online dating after seeing someone for a week."

*note* this is not directed at any specific individuals (if you can't read the previous words, then please, don't try emailing, you will just hurt yourself.)

I have a lot of free time now that I'm not responding to Facebook posts and reading about everyone's personal dramas. Yes, I have them myself, but I don't go repeatedly out of my way to get into them again.

Being released from the onus of "post the right comment, or you'll piss someone off" has been a blessing. Yes, I do feel a bit isolated now, but perhaps that's a good thing. At least I don't have people in my life that I don't really ever talk to commenting on what I should do or what I shouldn't have said.

So, I survived the past few terrible nights and released a lot of depression last night. Today is further work, but the prevailing theme being impermanence.

What's the future hold? I don't really care at this moment.

I'm existing, that's a start.

Last night I watched "Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World" great movie and one of the actors commented on his "end of the world soundtrack" that the best thing he could think of to do would be to go to wherever Elton John was and listen to him play "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" while the humanity comes crashing into nonexistence.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Light a candle, light a votive. Step down, step down.

Well, it's the Day of the Dead.

That's about how I feel.

Go to work and people have forged new alliances reminiscent of a bad island reality TV show.

Requests for quotes and sales are coming in large waves. Good for the company.

I can't stand to talk to anyone.

I hope the Mayans are right. Would be kinda funny.

There was a time in my life I had grand plans, could see eternity stretching out before me. These days, it seems that nothing is permanent.

A workday ticks by in a blink, the night comes and ends with the breaking of the dawn too quick.

The artist Voltaire said this once:

In 1984 I decided to kill myself. As an experiment, I chose to live just ONE MORE DAY, but to do so as myself, to speak my mind and to not take any shit from anyone. Twenty eight years later I’m still here! What a difference a day makes! Moral: Be yourself and live your dreams my friends, it is its own reward!
-Aurelio Voltaire

The issue here is, who am I?

This is my blog and comments are disabled for a reason. This isn't FaceBook, so if you're going to roll your eyes and start thinking whatever, so what? Think it. What does it matter anyway?

Even if this all sounds like melodramatic bullshit, tough, go click on something else.

Nothing makes me happy anymore. Well, I did laugh today at this video of a cute girl doing a news story and a donkey farting behind her.

No, I don't want to go see a counselor. The last one I saw not only told me that he told a female patient of his that she needed to change the way she approached her husband to make him stop beating her, but also grilled me for a half hour about what my stepfather's last name was.

A coworker thinks they should set me up with someone, like having a "date" would be all the difference. I don't want to date anyone, see anyone, etc. I don't care for all the complications that come with the whole scenario.

Last few times I had sex it was awful. Didn't feel anything, it was like going through the motions but I saw it as pointless. The women seemed to really enjoy it, but do I care to call them again? Not really.

People pose the question at these points in life: "if money was no object, what would you do?"

I could say that I would spend my time doing energy healing, teaching people to heal themselves, and living my life in the most carefree fashion I could imagine.

Unfortunately, that's not a reality.

Even to get to the point of performing energy healing would take a quantum shift in my outlook right now.

It's times like this when people turn to religion for answers, but I know those are nothing but theories that one can accept as answers. That's perfectly fine too, there's nothing wrong with that. We all make our own reality anyhow.

It's getting to the point that I'm not going to be able to find a woman to get married to and have children with unless I marry someone much younger than myself. (This based on the fact my last fiancée was 37 and she was "high risk" due to her age.)

So looking at that page to turn that can never be unturned, I look back on my life and wonder what happened? Why did I make those choices with my first and second wives. Selfish choices based on a terrible attitude and outlook on life. hmm, similar to now I guess.

I last saw my father years ago, a single, unhappy man sitting alone in his house with his highly trained dog. A terrible sight for someone that should be a happy, active grandfather.

I see myself becoming closer and closer to that stereotype. Success means nothing without someone to share it with.

I have rambled on long enough.

A special thank you to that voice in the darkness that reached out to me last night and told me of the impact I had on their life a lifetime ago for me. You are welcome, I'm glad that man was of service.

I often wonder where he went.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Take the chance and roll the dice

No, I didn't "unfriend you." I deleted all my social networking profiles.

That also means it will be a rare thing if anyone sees this since I'm not publishing it to any social feeds.

If we were truly "Friends" you would have my number or email address, or know who to get them from.

I don't want this life.

This life has been full of pain, ridicule, exclusion, and loneliness.

Nobody takes this seriously how much I hurt and how often.

I'm only typing this blog in case something happens. No, this is not a suicide note. I'm not going to hurt myself, at least not in that way. I've been hurt enough already.

My family turned its back on me last year in favor of a felon that knowingly robbed them of thousands.

I don't have many people I can call "close friends." I've lost most due to betrayal or ending of relationships.

I've never done drugs, never been charged with a crime, (barely any traffic tickets), and loved with my whole heart when I loved. What has this gotten me? A career? money? I could be a millionaire and things would be the same.

I should be taking my son trick-or-treating for his second Halloween tonight. But, alas, he lies cold in a box. Again, nothing I did.

Just think on this every time you are cruel or don't care. Each time, each person, slowly turning the knife in another.

Welcome to earthly existence. Work so you can buy food, clothing, and shelter, so that you can survive to work more for more food, clothing, and shelter. The cycle goes round and round.

There's the meaning of life for you, to exist as long as possible.

The Bill of Rights entitles us to the "pursuit of happiness" good luck, keep chasing it.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Bright blessed days....dark sacred nights

My boss passed away yesterday.

Not much to say so I'll just post what I put on our company Facebook site:

To our social networking family and friends:

Bryan Sensintaffar, CEO and President of PCCS, passed away Monday afternoon.

Bryan’s work legacy stands as a monument to personal dignity and a commitment to customer service.

Bryan was a loving father, husband, son, and an excellent employer. He inspired his staff to always put the customer’s needs first and encouraged us to always pull together as
a team when we faced tough problems. Bryan encouraged respect, service, teamwork, and worked hard to bring out the best in us all.

We have been pulling together for months now during his absence and illness, and have been able to keep standards high, response times short, and customers satisfied as if he was sitting in the office. We shall continue to push ourselves and band together in this difficult time and look towards the future to continue his legacy.

We at PCCS thank all of you that are customers, business partners, friends and family for your support through the years and ask for your continued support as we maintain and grow in the way Bryan would have wanted.

Please keep his family in your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Here was an interview he did for a commercial one of the last times he was in the office.
I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
you know they'll  learn 
more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself .......what a wonderful world.

Monday, October 8, 2012

I woke last night to the sound of thunder How far off I sat and wondered

The nights are always the hardest after a great evening.

You walk upstairs and see that empty spot on the opposite side of the bed and think about what choices brought you to the position of going to bed alone.

Then you think about those that would have gladly filled that spot, but that (probably) wouldn't have fit into your life.

You wonder, am I here at this spot by choice, or is this a curse I just haven't been able to shake?

You wonder, does everyone else have it so good or so easy? Or do they just cope and accept varying levels of "happy." Or perhaps they are not happy, they are just "together."

"Together" might be an excuse to not be alone.

I woke up with the title of this post in my head for some reason. It's somewhat metaphoric depending on whether thunder could be seen as a good or bad thing. How far away is what I am seeking, or how far off is trouble and how soon should I expect it to come knocking?

I guess it doesn't help that what I'm looking for changes in increments as the days go by and finding someone that shares all those interests is exceedingly difficult.

Sometimes I wonder.

Strange how the night moves
With autumn closing in

Monday, October 1, 2012

I know they'd never match my sweet imagination

Well, my ex fiancée got married.

A feeling of joy and melancholy.

I did love her for a time, a long time.

She and I had some great times together...

and some insanely terrible times.

Through it all, I loved her kids as if they were my own. That never changed.



I treasure the time I had with them all.

We try to only remember the good, however it's never the true story:

"If you took all the girls I knew
When I was single
And brought them all together for one night
I know they'd never match
My sweet imagination
And everything looks worse in black and white "
-Paul Simon, Kodachrome

Have a great life! Truly

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Gotta Do What You Can Just To Keep Your Love Alive

Ok, so this may seem like an odd title to use for my 2012 Tulsa State Fair adventure blog entry, but actually, it fits as you will see.

So I started off with one of my annual favorites, the steak shish-kebob from the stand by the extreme sports centers. So good! ($10) I also got a water ($2)

Walked up the road eating the kabob when I saw......


Yes, it was very good. I have a slab of bacon in the freezer, I think candy treatment is due for some of it.
 I walked through the Made In Oklahoma section and remembered that I promised the Sa-Mokin BBQ sauce guys I would stop by and say hi. So I grabbed my ribeye sandwich ($6) and headed over.



Not only did he hook me up with sauce for my ribeye, he handed me a bottle and said "take this with you." OMG free BBQ sauce and it wasn't even their Faire special thing to do for the day for a free one! So the sauce beats Head Country hands down in my book and the owners are cool!


So, I wander back outside and see this.... BACON ON ALL THE THINGS!!!!!

I picked the loser. "porkabella" kabobs.

At $13.50 not only were they the most expensive item I found out there, but also the worst choice. The provolone cheese was tasteless! (What there was of it.) Do not buy this, you will regret it. The "bacon" wasn't bacon, it was stringy pork.

If I go back again this year, I am getting the beer battered bacon strips.

Now it was gator meat time!

First bite and my mount went "oh shit, this isn't seasoned."

Gamey, undercooked, and tasteless. Last years was much better. This place also does kick ass shrimp on a stick. I will get the shrimp if I go again.

I found a car sticker booth and picked up a few gifts. I'm sure one may make it north for the ZARV, while one goes to a carny friend. (Save a ticket, ride a carny)

So I wandered the midway... for about 3 minutes and ran from the carnies.
Panorama ftw!
I went inside the main building and got me a soda ($2.50) to wash everything down and found the gemstone guy. A lot of things I bought last year ended up in medicine bags. So I bought more supplies. Carnelian, fluorite, rose quartz and tigereye hearts, turtles, some assorted items and 2 wolves teeth from Tibet. (We won't talk about how much I spent due to 1, it is all for gifting and 2, I don't want to remember how much I spent, heh.)


I wandered around for a while more, talking to a few vendors, checking out the sights. I found a guy with Tibetan stuff for sale, I may go back and get a mandala or two to hang up. Or, I may get this mandala coloring book I saw at the store the other day and color my own :)
Quick stop by the bulk candy maze to load up for work!

$13.50 worth of candy. Used the store card since it's all going in the bowl at work. I swear it is.
With my back starting to hurt from carrying all my goodies, I headed out.
But wait! I forgot the CORNDOG!

Nom, corndog... Grrrrrr
Had to pick up items for the poker game tonight, so I got a few good items:

Jumbo bags of cotton candy, chocolate kettle corn and regular kettle corn.

So, I guess you're still wondering where the title fits in? Well, I went to the fair by myself, but I was never alone. A wonderful friend of mine sent me Facebook messages the entire time and we discussed topics such as the past, love, needs, and how wonderful lasting friendships are.

Looking back on the years gone by like so many summer fields...

(and you thought the cotton candy was sticky sweet :p )

Now, for your listening entertainment, Mr. Jackson Browne!

Friday, September 21, 2012

I hope some day you'll join us

For every journey, there is a beginning. Some come with the rolling of thunder, others with the breaking dawn.

The transmission of matter through airborne objects gives time to paws and reflect on  the animals surrounding me and may be presented to me.

Then I eat them...

Arriving at destinations are merely pit stops on the journey. Elation filled moments when seeing familiar forms of transportation carrying Bears with wide excited smiles appear.

A few moments spent sharing joy and exchanging gifts from the heart are critical at these times. You may speak to someone every day, you may ship them something, but even the simplest token passed from hand to hand can mean more than all the treasures one can imagine. It leaves one speechless.

Our shadows remind us of how momentary, yet how eternal these moments are


Being able to experience and share a moment in the flesh with something that has only existed in images is a great luxury.

Breaking bread (or legs) with a kindred spirit is among the most bonding elements of ancient society. The share in the Hunt and the Feast is something celebrated amongst backyard cannibals quite often, but noticeably absent from my life.

The Great Bears are satisfied, for now.

Upon approaching another stop along the journey, a gateway to a place is found where Dreams might be made real.

After a n early morning discussion about Balance, a symbol appears.

 Sometimes the most unexpected creatures provide a conduit for a smile and laugh.

 Discovering another one allows for two strangers to share wisdom on meanings and changing seasons. Reminds us that transformation can happen at any time and some of the most wondrous things can be right under foot.

 A simple bridge becomes a gateway to the Temple of Dream Healing (aka the Magic Mushroom) and a leaving behind of old onuses, real and imaginary.

 After chasing after a blue dragonfly with no success, walking across the bridge pictured above lends for a rare intimate moment with a creature of a different color that was more than eager to allow pictures to be taken for long moments. Reminding us that even if we get distracted chasing after fantasies, we may have something wonderful just waiting for us down the path.

 A gateway of color beckons to an area wherein an angry bee sought justice for some unknown past wrongs against a man in a purple shirt (ouch, it did hurt.)

 A moment suspended in time between heaven and earth.

 A journey into another world holds may secrets and great noodles.

 Colorful windows into the subterranean universe reminds us how we are only suspended between what exists below and what hangs above.

Subtle patterns appear in unexpected areas. The labyrinth appears to those willing to weave through it.

A day of memories lain out on the covers set the stage for carrying these times home and expanding in an unforeseen direction thanks to the dream shared by a kindred spirit thousands of miles away.

Seeing these mountains in the distance remind me of how far from home I am, and how strange and wonderful this land is.

 The People of the Moon called these lands home for many generations. Working in harmony with the land and animals, we are left with only still memories of the harmony that once existed.

 Witnessing this magical site in person reminds me how inadequate man's greatest designs are compared with nature's simplest ones.

 Even though I still had journeys to take that day, this being only a small stopover on a day of confusing directions, it is still refreshing to see that a real smile still escapes my lips.

Another gateway into adventure.

 Appeasing the Bear with a good yet simple meal.

I was a bit upset with myself though. This native elder was standing around silently and smiled to me as I walked by to get to this establishment. Unlike many out there he did not ask for money or food. I felt the need to meet this man, but did not want to dishonor him by offering a meal as I would to a beggar. I should have offered it as a friend. I shall remember this lesson.

 Through a journey which I shall blog about later, I was greeted by a badger and he taught me about the nature of badger medicine. Sometimes, Honey Badger doesn't need to give a damn.

 The light at the end of the tunnel is always a welcome sight.

Another stopover seeking direction for the day provides a unexpected glimpse into the world of native art. It does resemble an orca, but the pointed beak also reminds me of the great Raven that had been guiding my journey thus far that day.

 A trip to the restroom provides a history of the day's journey. Good thing I was in the correct place for such a shocking revelation.

I followed the ravens to their rest.

 They gifted me many feathers to use on medicine objects in exchange for picking up debris left by man along my path there.

 Arriving at a friend's house to break bread, a little reminder of community appears.

 Grandfather Raven lights upon the railing to bid me farewell the morning I depart from these lands.

 As I leave, Pacific Northwest weather has returned to the Pacific northwest.

 Fuel prices up there remind me to be thankful of the prices we have. (These were the lowest in that area.)

At the airport, a familiar creature is sighted!

Returning home, it has been tough for me to sleep, though for me to awaken in the morning. I still am wandering through the haze of surreality, or perhaps my soul now knows a freedom to just "be" and now has no desire for the daily insubstantial entanglements of life and wants to keep enjoying the eternal moment. Things are all falling into place for anything I desire as I wade in the Flow.

I will leave you all now with these thoughts and images. Over the weekend I shall share some of the vision journeys I went on.