Monday, January 27, 2014

To new beginnings

 As chapters open and close in our lives, and the lives of those who we love, it's hard not to look aback on the old times, the good times, the times where dreams and nightmares were shared. The realm of penultimate love and brotherhood. The days of staring at the clouds and dreaming of what could be through our lives.

At times like this it's hard to think on the days before that time where we had the same feelings of nostalgia that gave birth to the good times we are now mourning in passing of the times we thought would never end.

At the heart rips out and new doorways to the future open, we weep openly for the pains we have endured and the joy that made us never want to breathe another breath on this earth lest it sully the memory of that perfect moment.

We fear the next steps in every journey as much as we look forward to them. Some drown these sorrows in the spirits of grains, others in the spirits of the hearts. Others look forward to these sorrows as the passing of the rain brings the rainbow of promise of a new tomorrow.

As catalysts, we encourage change in others, but we have to remember this fear and honor this spirit of mourning. Wen the new dawn approaches, we embrace the mourning and the morning as a part of the process of transformation.

This is odd but comes at a time where a part of my life that is more precious than a bond of blood moves on to it's next adventure as I move on to mine. I wish him the best and my heart goes with him and will celebrate the blossoming of the lotus that shall be this new chapter in his life. My spirit shall be in the breeze, it the mist generated from fire and water, and the odd dead fish that will be dropped by a wayward seabird at an inopportune moment.

Even as I sit here amidst tears of joy and rain of times past, I know the future holds many adventures still to come.  I mourn as if something were being ripped apart, when I know it's just an ever widening of the great circle of Relation and resonating energy that binds us of like souls together. Our true family. the souls that danced together in the other world that gravitate towards each other on this plane through a series of chaotically inspired coincidences.

Alas, the past is just shadows, the sun rising in the East for new beginnings cast those shadows into the West into that seat of power whence shadows dwell.

Onward into the coming dawn. I welcome my new sister into my heart with open arms in joy of the brilliance of life inspired in a wandering bear. I know his footsteps in the sand shall never be a single line again.   

 It is often difficult for me to correctly express my emotions and stray off into a joke to hide them, this song came into my head and I listened to it on repeat to keep the proper sense of presence. The lyrics don't directly apply to any of what I wrote but the nostalgic essence is appropriate.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme

 I choke back tears as I write this...

In my young life there stood one bastion of love, a true embodiment of the nature of 'agape'. True to the nature of the word, this woman loved me as Christ loved all mankind. This isn't to say that I was able to get away with anything I wanted as some grandchildren do, on the contrary, I was always told what was expected of me, and then loved despite my faults.

She served others out of love and had to be forced to sit and eat, and always ate last. We always had plenty, but still it was in her nature to be sure all were settled before settling herself. 

I have done mediumship work for years privately and have been stunned at my precision, but I shut down after my grandmother passed on shortly after her birthday in 2003. This past Thursday, I heard her voice again through another for the first time in over ten years. The medium knows me, but there was no way for her to have known the name my grandmother never used with anyone except on her tax forms. Even her checks had her middle name. I checked out her obituaries online and my name doesn't appear in any of them. Hearing this medium speak her "secret" name was enough validation for me. As I have said, I have done this for others before, but it has never happened to me.  

I have wandered off from the true tone I wanted to convey here, but I will attempt to move it back to course.

She said she was sorry for not doing a better job for me, but I could only reply that nobody could have done a better job than she did with me, which is the truth. She made sure that I never wanted for anything and always supported me in anything I wanted to do and anything I wanted to be. I always tried to not disappoint her. I fear I have by some choices I made in life, but I pray that she knows that those crossroads would have appeared no matter what she would have done. 

I'm not being overly dramatic when I say I owe my life to this woman. 

I owe my mother a lot too, but even my mother said to me once that it sometimes feels like I'm more her brother than her son in regard to how my grandparents cared for me, paid for my education and supported me financially through my training. I felt for a long time like this statement from her was a hurtful one, like I was bypassing her mother role. I know now it was simply a statement of fact for my grandmother was the one that was most there for me.

I lived in their house for a month after my grandfather had his stroke and had to be moved to my mother's house for full time supervision. On my grandmother's bedside table were two books. Her bible and a copy of my book that I had signed and given to her. I can only believe that she saw the truth in those words and knew I had found God in my own way and my own heart, and that she took comfort in those pages as she did her Bible.   

 I have log held on to her spirit, but as the previous post details, I let her go after a decade of mourning that loss. Now she is with me more than ever. I give her the highest praise my soul can muster, and offer up my unconditional love as she did. 

Something tells me I should make the trip to Scarborough Fair this year. I've always had an excuse not to go, but she came across with the name Rosemary and sang on to sage and thyme. 

 So I'll end this now at 2am. I must go off from the dreams of day into the dreams of night. Perhaps another adventure lies there waiting for me as did last night. I must have been having a grand time as the dog decided to wake me up and tell me to be quiet so she could sleep.

"To sleep, perchance to Dream; Aye, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come," ~ Shakespeare

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine

Tell her to make me a cambric shirt
   (On the side of a hill in the deep forest green)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
   (Tracing a sparrow on snow-crested ground)
Without no seams nor needlework
   (Blankets and bedclothes the child of the mountain)
Then she'll be a true love of mine
   (Sleeps unaware of the clarion call)

Tell her to find me an acre of land
   (On the side of a hill, a sprinkling of leaves)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
   (Washes the ground with so many tears)
Between the salt water and the sea strand
   (A soldier cleans and polishes a gun)
Then she'll be a true love of mine

Tell her to reap it in a sickle of leather
   (War bellows, blazing in scarlet battalions)
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
   (Generals order their soldiers to kill)
And to gather it all in a bunch of heather
   (And to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten)
Then she'll be a true love of mine

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine 

 ~Simon & Garfunkel