Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Help someone in need directly if you can

I don't know who this is for, and that doesn't really matter. A friend is trying to help out a friend so any bit that you can donate will help out. You may even directly help save someone's life.

I know I have a bunch of readers, so please try to donate something if you've enjoyed my blog even a little. The money doesn't go to me, it goes to a great cause.


What this is all about...
A very dear friend of mine needs some help. In her own words:

"I know this is a shot in the dark but I thought I'd put it out there. As may of you are well aware I've been struggling with alcoholism for quite some time. Sometimes better than others; lately not so much. Things have come to a head and I'm ready to get some serious help.

I've been accepted into a long term recovery program that I should be at from 6 months to a year or more. It's an excellent facility where residents go through intensive treatment and also find jobs to pay their rent during their stay. The only problem is they require $650 up front, to pay for the first month's rent and deposit to cover while residents find jobs in the area."

She's asked her friends to contribute anything they can. Being of limited means myself, I thought the best way I could help would be to get her message to as many of my friends as is possible. I don't usually like asking people for money, even on behalf of a good cause, but this is genuinely personal to me. If there's anything you can contribute, even just a dollar or two, it would help.

I've set a very short deadline on this so that I can get whatever I'm able to raise to her as quickly as possible. 100% of all funds raised will be going directly to her. I know it may be asking a lot, but please, donate if you can, and help spread the word.

Thank you,


Sunday, November 4, 2012

It's a sad, sad situation And it's getting more and more absurd

This entry is both an apology to my friends and to myself.

I'm not sure why I am so hard on myself.

No one ever asked me to be any more than I am, I just have that expectation of myself.

Nobody says I should be this way or that way, I look at people I admire and want to emulate the best parts of them.

"know thyself" "be yourself" these phrases are tough for me to embody. I have taken on so many traits of others, cultural items, speech, mannerisms, etc. that stripping that all away to just see who and what I am is a difficult thing. I find only emptiness.

This is probably partly because I haven't found a lot of joy in life.

Tonight I went through a drive through for dinner on a hunch and made the gal at the window laugh. She smiled and stumbled over her words after that and I could see in her eyes that I made her day. It looked like she had a ring of some sort on her left hand, and I respect boundaries, so I didn't inquire or give my number.  It was also a bit of an experiment in me being genuinely open and friendly where work wasn't involved. (Yes, I know it's a stretch to imagine that I am shy but I'm a bit of a different person through written mediums than in person. You may have noticed this if you see me in a club. I'm usually talking to one or two friends and just smile at people I don't know really well.)

Anyhow, back to the apologies to myself.

Nobody asked me to live a monastic existence. I am overly judgmental of myself in that respect.

I have a gift coming my way when it is finished that I both fear and respect. I have ripped myself apart for years knowing it was coming and trying to live up to some expectation that was only set by myself and never asked for me to reach. If I wasn't supposed to have it, it wouldn't be in production. I'm not going to speak too much on this, all will be revealed if it should be in time.

I do have an apology for my friends. I'm genuinely sorry for any sarcastic posts that made you feel bad about yourself, even for an instant. I haven't been the best person at times but I can be a nicer person.

I'm sure there is more to say, but if you have gone back and read my journal entries here over the past week, I'm sure you can see the hell I just put myself through.

The only things I can promise are to try to be nicer to myself, and to try to not be afraid of people and get out and be nice and friendly to earn more friendships.

I don't know what the future holds, but I guess the only thing I can do is just experience one day to the next and do it with a free spirit and open soul.

If not, then I might as well not use this gift of life.

And no, none of this has anything to do with a woman or broken heart.

This song is my message to myself, what do I have to do to make you love me again like I deserve?

I haven't shown my soul much love lately.

Wow, that was just, well, hmm

This blog is good for a few things. One of which must be making myself sound insane. I guess that might be useful in the future if I ever need to be committed for any reason.

I can't believe I actually have the outlook some times that removing things I enjoy from my life is actually a beneficial thing. We only go around once and so I see no reason why sometimes I think abstaining from things is an answer to happiness.

I am who I am, I can't deny myself that.

Guess I better start having fun and acting like it or I shall die old and alone as I fear.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Every time I thought I'd got it madeIt seemed the taste was not so sweet

How my day went:

Woke up
Got a text from my healer friend cautioning me to rest today since I still felt I got run over.

At this point what I should have done was lay around, read, watch movies, run out for something halfway healthy or make something at home, perhaps picked up a few more movies and just relaxed.

(Author's note, I'm a dumbass sometimes)

What I actually did.

Showered and got dressed
went to PetsMart to look at adoptadogs
got real hungry but instead of going to eat when I needed when I was by a Panera Bread....
went downtown to look at more adoptadogs
got a big pizza and brought it home

Watched 2.5 Adam Sandler movies and one not Adam Sandler
Took a nap during one of them
Ate last night's leftovers (baked potato, cheese fries, Caesar salad)
Watched a bit more of a movie
got in car, went to casino

Yes, now at this point, you may be asking yourself "where the hell did this come from" well, I was asking myself that too...

Spent 2 hours in the casino and threw away an undisclosed sum. Never going to that casino again, if I do, it won't be to play.
Drove home thinking about what I had done all day and the money I lost, not in a negative way, just in a factual way.

Finished half a movie, finished off the last two slices of the 20" pizza I bought and decided to type this up.

So, a few changes I am making in light of today and my new chance at life I have been given over these past few days.

No more casino gambling. (I hardly ever go, but I could have bought food for meals for a week or so on what I put in to play and smell like smoke.)

No more dining out until I eat the food I have at the house. (Yes, that includes the slab of bacon and bag of chicken tenders I got from the Blue and Gold fund raiser. BLT's are good eatin!) *Note that this doesn't apply to lunch, I have to get out of the shop or I'll go nuts.*

Ok, go further nuts.

No more crap food. No more Sonic, Arby's, etc. I can make better at home for less. (goes along with the no dining out rule. The exception to that rule being if I go out to eat with friends on those rare occasions.)

Minimal red meat. I'm not really used to eating a lot of it, so this shouldn't be a problem.

Minimal carbs. Now this will be a problem. However, thin crust pizza instead of regular, whole grain bread or tortillas instead of big hunks of bread, salads at Lenny's instead of the same thing on a bun. This also applies to greasy foods.

Sushi, ok, fuck that, I'm not cutting out sushi. Cutting back a bit on the amount I eat since I take it from being a healthy meal to being a gorge worse than me at a Chinese buffet. (Just thank god Casa Bonita isn't still open, I could totally kill off a mess of those cheese enchiladas and sopapillas.)

Alcohol: No more. I'm done with it. Too many headaches and pains with all the drinking leading up to Halloween. I may have one glass of wine at Thanksgiving if my parents even have Thanksgiving at their house this year, but aside from that, I'm done with alcohol.

Sex... yup, tried going cold turkey before (wait, that's a terrible visual, sex and cold turkey... but you know there's a website somewhere...sigh, I digress) Anyhow... I'm tired of disrespecting myself and having sex too soon with someone or just having a relationship (or one night stand) solely based on sex. So, new rule, that's going to be my Christmas present to myself (if I can find a partner, even if I have to go back to my "always down for it" list.) Hopefully I'll be in a relationship with someone I love, trust, and respect by then. If not, then at least I will have been true to myself.

So, 52 days without sex. I know some of you readers are thinking "wow, so what, I go six months or more without sex" well, I usually don't. so however that makes me look, then I'm sorry. We all have needs and desires, I just don't mind filling those needs and desires. Yup, take that visual.

Ah, also, if you subscribe to this blog, you get email updates. Nobody has done so thus far, but that's how it works.

Reality check:

Do I really think I can accomplish all that? Well, tomorrow will be day 1. I may fail at some of it right out of the gate. If I falter, then I'll start back up again. That's the only way it can happen.

Yes, I'm really keeping my FaceBook account deleted. So, if there's anything going on, then please sent me an email for events in the Tulsa area.

Things I'd like to try:

Piano lessons
Dance lessons
Making my own soup
Being happy all day, just for one day (may mean taking the day off)
Turning my phone off for an entire day
Driving to the mountains in Eastern Oklahoma
Speed dating (just once, you never know)

Ok, that's long enough for this blog. I know I've gotten some unexpected readers and some voices from the past saying hi unexpectedly. It's all welcome. Feel free to share my blog on your social networking pages.  Who knows, it might help someone.

I fear I may have to start writing again. I could always write about my last year of the journey through hell. Don't want to look at it yet though. I think I'm in too fragile of a state presently to reflect back. I'm afraid I will pull too much into the present.

You can roll your own waaaaay

Happy 35th birthday to Robert "Hot Wheels" Leuthold

I don't have a Facebook profile anymore so can't send a message but a little wolf told me it was your birthday.

Friday, November 2, 2012

*insert song title here*

Ok, so I'm blogging on my phone and there's no easy way for all the fancy cut and paste.

First off, sorry to all my readers that now have to check under their beds each time they get up tonight due to the animated gif on the last post :)

So, I had a "energy balancing" performed tonight after work by a friend and healer. She said I was so closed off from the neck down it took a lot just to set me "right" again. She warned for me to take it easy and drink lots of water.

She said I had a lot of emotional baggage. She had no idea how much and I didn't tell her is the one year anniversary of the final breakup with Erica.

It also meant it was a year ago that I learned she would take the girls that called me "daddy" out of my life.

It was a sad day, but I understood. Ends up, she had been talking to her ex boyfriend again and he had been filling her head full of doubts.

My main complaint was the timing. I had just come back from Nawlins. It would have been better to break up before since I could have really got my party on down there. Ah well, another time.

I am feeling better today, but due to this "energy balancing" it feels also like someone kicked my ass. Pain all over in my joints like I've been totally worked over. I have been pretty closed off for some time now.

So, on that note, I'm going to sleep.

I have been thinking about adopting a dog or two (I'm gone all day, it needs a partner in crime.) So I'll be checking out the animal rescue foundation's potential pets tomorrow.

To part, a picture of me and my pal Henri...

Oh I've finally decided my future lies Beyond the yellow brick road

Worst thing about having no social networking... no place to randomly post funny shit.

Oh, wait.

You're welcome.

I'll title this image "online dating after seeing someone for a week."

*note* this is not directed at any specific individuals (if you can't read the previous words, then please, don't try emailing, you will just hurt yourself.)

I have a lot of free time now that I'm not responding to Facebook posts and reading about everyone's personal dramas. Yes, I have them myself, but I don't go repeatedly out of my way to get into them again.

Being released from the onus of "post the right comment, or you'll piss someone off" has been a blessing. Yes, I do feel a bit isolated now, but perhaps that's a good thing. At least I don't have people in my life that I don't really ever talk to commenting on what I should do or what I shouldn't have said.

So, I survived the past few terrible nights and released a lot of depression last night. Today is further work, but the prevailing theme being impermanence.

What's the future hold? I don't really care at this moment.

I'm existing, that's a start.

Last night I watched "Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World" great movie and one of the actors commented on his "end of the world soundtrack" that the best thing he could think of to do would be to go to wherever Elton John was and listen to him play "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" while the humanity comes crashing into nonexistence.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Light a candle, light a votive. Step down, step down.

Well, it's the Day of the Dead.

That's about how I feel.

Go to work and people have forged new alliances reminiscent of a bad island reality TV show.

Requests for quotes and sales are coming in large waves. Good for the company.

I can't stand to talk to anyone.

I hope the Mayans are right. Would be kinda funny.

There was a time in my life I had grand plans, could see eternity stretching out before me. These days, it seems that nothing is permanent.

A workday ticks by in a blink, the night comes and ends with the breaking of the dawn too quick.

The artist Voltaire said this once:

In 1984 I decided to kill myself. As an experiment, I chose to live just ONE MORE DAY, but to do so as myself, to speak my mind and to not take any shit from anyone. Twenty eight years later I’m still here! What a difference a day makes! Moral: Be yourself and live your dreams my friends, it is its own reward!
-Aurelio Voltaire

The issue here is, who am I?

This is my blog and comments are disabled for a reason. This isn't FaceBook, so if you're going to roll your eyes and start thinking whatever, so what? Think it. What does it matter anyway?

Even if this all sounds like melodramatic bullshit, tough, go click on something else.

Nothing makes me happy anymore. Well, I did laugh today at this video of a cute girl doing a news story and a donkey farting behind her.

No, I don't want to go see a counselor. The last one I saw not only told me that he told a female patient of his that she needed to change the way she approached her husband to make him stop beating her, but also grilled me for a half hour about what my stepfather's last name was.

A coworker thinks they should set me up with someone, like having a "date" would be all the difference. I don't want to date anyone, see anyone, etc. I don't care for all the complications that come with the whole scenario.

Last few times I had sex it was awful. Didn't feel anything, it was like going through the motions but I saw it as pointless. The women seemed to really enjoy it, but do I care to call them again? Not really.

People pose the question at these points in life: "if money was no object, what would you do?"

I could say that I would spend my time doing energy healing, teaching people to heal themselves, and living my life in the most carefree fashion I could imagine.

Unfortunately, that's not a reality.

Even to get to the point of performing energy healing would take a quantum shift in my outlook right now.

It's times like this when people turn to religion for answers, but I know those are nothing but theories that one can accept as answers. That's perfectly fine too, there's nothing wrong with that. We all make our own reality anyhow.

It's getting to the point that I'm not going to be able to find a woman to get married to and have children with unless I marry someone much younger than myself. (This based on the fact my last fiancée was 37 and she was "high risk" due to her age.)

So looking at that page to turn that can never be unturned, I look back on my life and wonder what happened? Why did I make those choices with my first and second wives. Selfish choices based on a terrible attitude and outlook on life. hmm, similar to now I guess.

I last saw my father years ago, a single, unhappy man sitting alone in his house with his highly trained dog. A terrible sight for someone that should be a happy, active grandfather.

I see myself becoming closer and closer to that stereotype. Success means nothing without someone to share it with.

I have rambled on long enough.

A special thank you to that voice in the darkness that reached out to me last night and told me of the impact I had on their life a lifetime ago for me. You are welcome, I'm glad that man was of service.

I often wonder where he went.