I'm not sure why I am so hard on myself.
No one ever asked me to be any more than I am, I just have that expectation of myself.
Nobody says I should be this way or that way, I look at people I admire and want to emulate the best parts of them.
"know thyself" "be yourself" these phrases are tough for me to embody. I have taken on so many traits of others, cultural items, speech, mannerisms, etc. that stripping that all away to just see who and what I am is a difficult thing. I find only emptiness.
This is probably partly because I haven't found a lot of joy in life.
Tonight I went through a drive through for dinner on a hunch and made the gal at the window laugh. She smiled and stumbled over her words after that and I could see in her eyes that I made her day. It looked like she had a ring of some sort on her left hand, and I respect boundaries, so I didn't inquire or give my number. It was also a bit of an experiment in me being genuinely open and friendly where work wasn't involved. (Yes, I know it's a stretch to imagine that I am shy but I'm a bit of a different person through written mediums than in person. You may have noticed this if you see me in a club. I'm usually talking to one or two friends and just smile at people I don't know really well.)
Anyhow, back to the apologies to myself.
Nobody asked me to live a monastic existence. I am overly judgmental of myself in that respect.
I have a gift coming my way when it is finished that I both fear and respect. I have ripped myself apart for years knowing it was coming and trying to live up to some expectation that was only set by myself and never asked for me to reach. If I wasn't supposed to have it, it wouldn't be in production. I'm not going to speak too much on this, all will be revealed if it should be in time.
I do have an apology for my friends. I'm genuinely sorry for any sarcastic posts that made you feel bad about yourself, even for an instant. I haven't been the best person at times but I can be a nicer person.
I'm sure there is more to say, but if you have gone back and read my journal entries here over the past week, I'm sure you can see the hell I just put myself through.
The only things I can promise are to try to be nicer to myself, and to try to not be afraid of people and get out and be nice and friendly to earn more friendships.
I don't know what the future holds, but I guess the only thing I can do is just experience one day to the next and do it with a free spirit and open soul.
If not, then I might as well not use this gift of life.
And no, none of this has anything to do with a woman or broken heart.
This song is my message to myself, what do I have to do to make you love me again like I deserve?
I haven't shown my soul much love lately.
