Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Round peg, square hole

I’ll still do a vacation writeup, but this is the post-vacation post.

So I snapped in anger (more like frustration) for the first time in ages last night. It’s been quite a few years since that happened. I regret it happening and it was only words, but words can still hurt. 

I was focusing so hard on trying to regain control of my life and my own personal power that I ended up getting mad at anything that was taking my power of personal choice away. What I should have been focusing on was finding that power and control within myself and then selectively doing things for others in a compassionate manner, but in my own time.  Instead, I saw anything that would be an external force grabbing at me and tearing me into pieces. I guess that’s a part of control as well. Learning when to say no.

I feel I do so much for so many between giving rides, conversation, making sure everyone around me is comfortable, and as a result, it stresses me out. I can see this concern for others comes from my Grandmother, but she did what she did out of love. I still do what I do for the most part out of a sense of duty.

I know there were other factors surrounding this blowup. The feeling of needing to conform to the expected social norms of Tulsa weighed heavily on me. Yes, I know, by the standards of most people reading this, I’m quite the social conformist. What you may not realize is that me wearing certain jewelry, or my hat with its cowrie shells and wolf teeth can cause me a bit of stress to even put on and leave the house wearing here in Tulsa. I know that’s a far cry from rainbow colored  beards or all black clothing, but for someone who would rather conform and be invisible in society to be taking on the mantle that has been placed before me, it’s quite a tough thing.  Even now, for comfort I’ve already taken off my rings and bracelet and am about to take off my necklace. It’s like these things scratch at me as to remind me of another life, another way of living while I’m trying to control my work environment and come up with solutions to issues. I should count myself fortunate for these reminders instead of casting them aside.

My stomach tightens as I overhear other conversations and have to redirect those solutions to achieve the desired result.  Then there’s laughter over reminding someone what their schedule usually is so they call their girlfriend and discover they are supposed to take them to college at lunch when they had made other plans. 

Damn, hard work keeping people out of trouble.

A little chuckle and all is right with the world again.

I don’t know what the answer is here, and perhaps it’s just the vacation hangover. Every time I come back, I try to hold on to that person I was on vacation and it seems every time, I fail. Is it location or the need to get back to work? Or is it the lifestyle I have chosen and the environment where change would be noticed and fear of having to explain that change?

Like the number of licks to get to the middle of a tootsie roll pop, perhaps the world will never know.